Babies, I need you more than you need me

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As we were playing outside recently, Peyton ventured over to the basement window well and threw the stick she was carrying down into it. Now, both P&K know that they are to stay away from the window well. We ain’t got time to go to the emergency room!

“My go get it?” she asked.

“No, you can’t go get it,” I told her.

“My fall?”

“Yes, baby, you could fall and get hurt.”

Kayden slowly inched closer to the window well that his sister was starring into.

“My need my Mommy,” he said as he folded his little hands in front of him and looked to me for assurance.

“Yes, if you fall, you will definitely need your Mommy sweetie.”

“MY need my mommy.”

I’ve heard these words a few times recently. The first time that I remember either P or K saying “my need my Mommy” was when Peyton was in the runaway stroller. (Read about that fiasco here.)

A couple of weeks later, I got a phone call from daycare (every mom dreads seeing the daycare phone number ringing in on her cell phone!) after Kayden fell backwards and hit his head pretty hard on the cement outside. When I picked him up later that evening, I asked him if he got hurt at school. “My hit my head. My need my Mommy,” he told me.

And then again when he was contemplating what would happen if he fell into the basement window well.

Bittersweet

These words are so sweet to my ears. They elicit such joy, as if my heart is overflowing and ready to burst with the love that I have for these two perfect little humans. They also bring a little sadness to my heart. It’s not such a strange combination, I suppose. I mean, bittersweet is often used to describe various times and events in life, right? But it just seems to me that it’s an odd thing that these particular words bring such bittersweet emotions to the forefront.

After Kayden so seriously noted that he would need his Mommy if he were to fall in the window well, I sat on the step to the back porch, watching P&K run tirelessly through the yard, playing with sticks and fallen leaves. I couldn’t help but to think about those words.

babies need their mama

Babies rely on their Mama for everything! Like everything. Every. Little. Thing.

They rely on us long before we bring them into this world even. They rely on us to make good decisions while we are pregnant with them. They rely us to provide them with all of the nutrients they need to grow little arms and legs and ears.

They rely on us to be strong and courageous and fearless as we bring them into this world.

And then they rely on us to provide them with all of the necessities of life- food, clothing, a warm and safe place to sleep, a place they will grow to call “home”. We make sure their diapers are changed, their bellies are full and they have all the love and snuggles they could need. They rely on us to know their cues, to distinguish their cries, to have the intuition to keep them safe.

As they grow from babies into toddlers, they rely on us still for the necessities. Now, though, they also rely on us to keep them safe as they start to navigate the world a little more on their own. They rely on our comfort and ouchie kisses when they fall and get hurt. They rely on our legs to hide behind when they encounter new people and situations. They rely on our reassuring smiles as they cry when we drop them off at daycare each morning. They rely on our consistency as we establish routines and boundaries- and our consistency in loving them. They rely on us to be their home base.

Being home base to our children is such a privilege and a blessing. It’s also very daunting, this task of not only keeping our littles alive, but providing an environment for them to thrive and grow into toddlers and teenagers and adults who are kind and loving and happy and healthy. The weight of this responsibility can be exhausting.

It’s not forever, mama

But I also know that it’s not forever. And I see more and more each day how they are growing in their independence. This means that they don’t quite need me as much.

I see it in Peyton’s persistence to put her own shoes and socks on every morning and her insistence on picking out her own clothes. I see it as she runs to her dog for a hug when she falls, because Baxter kisses are more effective than Mommy’s these days. I’m reminded each time she tells me, “Mama, me do it myself.”

I see it in Kayden getting his own muffins and coffee cup each morning. I see it when he wants to sit on the couch and watch Peter Rabbit while Mommy takes a shower instead of watching on Mommy’s TV while he lays in my bed, within eye shot of me. I feel it as I’m walking down the hall at daycare after dropping him off without the tears and normally required hugs and kisses.

All of these things are normal and healthy, yes. But nobody warned me that one of the hardest parts of motherhood was stepping back when they run forward.

I need you too

You see, dear sweet babes, I need you too. I need you even more than you need me.

I know that’s hard to believe, but it’s true.

You rely on me for the necessities of life, but I rely on you for the meaning of life itself. You give me reason to live, to breathe, to love. You taught me what true love is; It’s unfathomable until you have your own children. (This makes my heart sad for Kayden because he will never have the chance to know how deep a mother’s love truly is.)

In a way, you saved me. Before I was mama, I loved the life I was living. Your daddy and I were carefree, independent, happy, always on the go. I really didn’t know how life could get any better. I laugh at the thought of this now! Because it could, and it did. You see, I needed you to save me from this mundane, average life (although I didn’t even know it was mundane and average at the time). I needed you to make me whole. God gave me the honor of being your Mama, and at the same time, gave me purpose in life. I need you for this.

I need you to help me remember to not take life so seriously. You stop to smell the flowers on the way into daycare. You point out the simple things in life: the birds singing in the morning, the rain falling down like it’s an amazing gift from God and the puddles that are left after the rain to run and jump in. You love to feel the grass on your little feet. Your greatest joy is often times a simple ride on the golf cart to see your goats and apple trees. I need you to remind me to stop and enjoy the little things in life. I need you for this.

I need you to teach me valuable life lessons. Lessons of humility as I accept that I can’t do this thing called motherhood alone. Lessons in graciousness as I watch you forgive me instantly when I sometimes loose my shit and yell. Lessons on patience as I wait for you to put your own shoes on when I’m already late for work. Lessons on persistence and perseverance as I watch you fall 99 times and get up 100 times. Lessons in self-confidence as you strut into Target wearing mismatched clothes and boots in the middle of summer. Lessons on unconditional love as you climb onto my lap, take my face in your hands and tell me, “Wuv you Mama.” I need you for this.

So, dear sweet babes, please remember that I need you too. As you grow and become more independent and need me less, I’ll need you more. You’ve taught me humility, graciousness, patience, persistence, perseverance, self confidence, and unwavering love. These lessons will help me to navigate the not so far away days when you need me less and less. But for now, I’ll stop to smell the flowers with you because, well, you taught me that too.

With love, Amanda

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