“Dear God, tell me there’s not two in there…”

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“Oh my gosh, are they twins?”

I actually love this question! It always brings a smile immediately to my lips. Which is great because, well, I get it often. Yes, they are twins. Yes, I absolutely adore them. Yes, I am lucky and blessed and so incredibly grateful that God allowed me to be Mama to these little chickens.

But it wasn’t always like this. Actually, it took a lot to get me here. Because, well, at first I dreaded this question. Like absolutely hated it. It was always followed by more questions; questions I didn’t really want to answer. I hated it because of the feelings and emotions it evoked within me. Feelings that I thought I couldn’t share with anyone. Feelings that brought with them a ton of guilt. Feelings that made me feel unworthy. Feelings that made me feel like a shitty mom.

“How did you find out?”

For you to really understand where I’m coming from, I need to take you back just a bit.

a little background

I’ve always been the type of girl that knows what she wants. I set a goal, go after the goal, achieve the goal. Open-close. Cut-dry. Thank you-come again. Sure, I’ve had set-backs here and there, but I always persevered and made it to the top of whatever mountain I was climbing (figuratively speaking, I’m not one to actually be climbing any mountains. I’m not crazy). But this journey, this whole “Let’s have a baby!” plan, hadn’t quite gone as I’d planned.

I never stopped to consider that we wouldn’t be able to get pregnant on my timeline. The thought never crossed my mind that I might struggle with infertility. I never imagined I’d be 1 in 8. Hell, I didn’t even know what 1 in 8 meant!

But 1 in 8 became my reality.

“pregnancy confirmation”

After more than a year, I was finally here. Sitting in the lobby, waiting to be called back to “confirm pregnancy.” There were certainly times when I thought that I’d never make it to this point. Sure, I’d sat in this lobby before, many times actually. And I always felt a sense of longing watching all of the mamas-to-be. Was that going to be me sooner than later?

I was expecting to pee in a cup, have the doctor confirm I was pregnant, and then head home. Isn’t that what they meant by “pregnancy confirmation?” Well after calling me back, they led me directly to the ultrasound room. Suddenly, I was SUPER NERVOUS! Why hadn’t I brought Thomas with me to the appointment?? Could they actually even see anything this early?? Was I going to get to see a baby when I thought I was just here to pee awkwardly in a cup?? I laid down on the table and closed my eyes.

“Do you want the good news or the great news?”

Silence. Confusion. Realization. Disbelief.

“Dear God, tell me there aren’t two in there!” I leaned up on my elbows, looked Diane dead in the eye with what I can only imagine was a complete look of terror in my eyes. Yes, those were the first words I uttered when I found out I was having twins, alone in this room with the ultrasound tech. And for the longest time, I was ashamed of these words.

You see, I was very very clear with the doctors in my infertility journey that I DID NOT want multiples. I knew I wanted kids. Thomas wasn’t totally sure. So we decided on one. And we had made sure there was only one egg ready for action at the last ultrasound.

Diane didn’t say a word. Not a word. Silence. I burst into tears. And not just any tears. I’m talking full out, hyperventilating, can’t talk, hysterical sobbing tears. And I couldn’t stop. Diane confirmed there were indeed what appeared to possibly be 2 babies, and I was quickly led to another room. Probably because I was scaring all of the other patients with my hysteria.

I was offered hugs, and crackers, and water, and juice, someone to call my husband for me, all of which I declined. I think Diane snuck in a hug anyway, but I’m not 100% sure, as I was in a state of shock at this point.

I sat in that room for what seemed like a freaking eternity. I would calm down and get myself pulled together and then I would melt into a puddle once again. Dr. Martin finally cracked the door open, peaked her head in and asked if it was safe for her to come in. I managed as much of a smile as I could as she sat down facing me and grabbed both of my hands.

“It’s going to be okay”

I looked at my chart she held in her hand, the word “TWINS!!!” scrawled across the page, circled like 5 times. Twins. This was real.

I don’t really remember much else about the rest of my appointment. But I’m pretty sure it was filled with most of, if not all, of the following:

• I can’t do this! I just can’t!
• Don’t twins carry a high risk of miscarriage?
• Can I carry them to term? They are probably going to be early, and in the NICU, and…
• No, I don’t want you to call my husband. I can’t tell him! (I did, in fact, tell him. Don’t worry.)
• This can’t be! How can this be? There was only one egg!
• But I’m on the road for work! My husband can’t take care of TWO babies by himself! (Little did I know how my life would change… more on that later.)
• I’m going to gain so much weight! Am I going to die?
• I’m going to have to have a C-section aren’t I?
• But we only wanted one!
• Okay, so what’s the next step?

I for real went through all five stages of grief in that exam room with Dr. Martin. And then I walked to my car and called Thomas. My plan was NOT to tell him over the phone. I knew I had to call him because otherwise he would think that something was wrong. I would tell him tonight. Maybe. But he answered the phone, and I lost it. Again. And the words just came pouring out of my mouth.

I can’t remember exactly what he said. But I do remember that it was exactly what I needed to hear. He was the calm in my storm. The voice of reason that I lost in that dark ultrasound room. And I knew it was going to be okay. We were going to have twins.

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the guilt

I did eventually get over my initial, visceral reaction to finding out out we were having twins. It took me a hot minute or two though. I’m the type of person who doesn’t like surprises, or feeling like I’m not prepared. And, well, finding out you’re growing two tiny humans instead of just one is a pretty big surprise, one that I certainly wasn’t prepared for. So I digested this news, came up with what I thought was a pretty good game plan for this new future ahead of us, and I started to get EXCITED!!

It was then that the guilt began creeping in. How could I have been so upset, so distraught, so hysterical over these two tiny miracles? What kind of person feels this way? Does this mean I’m not going to be a good mom? Can I love two babies equally? Will they deserve someone better- someone who was right away ecstatic to learn they were carrying twins?

The guilt was only magnified when we began announcing to the world.

“Oh my gosh, I can’t imagine how excited you must have been when you found out!”

“I’ve always wanted twins! You’re so lucky!”

“You must have been so surprised!”

Comments like this brought my guilt on in waves! I was so excited now! I was in love with these tiny humans already! I was meant to be a twin Mama! But I hadn’t always felt like this. I still didn’t understand how anyone’s initial reaction could have been any different than the one I had.

I wanted to respond with:

• “Nope, wasn’t excited when I found out. Hysterical is more like it.”
• “Why would you wish for twins? Why would you wish that on yourself, Karen?”
• “Yes, surprised is one way to describe it…”

But, instead, I would just say something generic and dismissive, like, “Yes, we were definitely surprised when we found out.” I’d smile a tight smile, and hope the conversation would turn to a new subject.

I was becoming ashamed of my initial reaction. Afraid others would think that I didn’t deserve these babies if I told them the true story of how I reacted when I found out. I felt this way for a long time. And with every new comment about how excited and happy I had to have been, the guilt grew bigger.

snap out of it, amanda

I don’t know exactly when I snapped out of this. I can’t pinpoint an exact time. I didn’t have an ah-ha moment. But what I did do is I kicked the guilt to the curb. Hard. And watched the trash man throw it into the back of the garbage truck and drive way, never to be welcome in my home or heart again. Bye, Felecia.

I didn’t do it by myself. I had a lot of help, from a lot of people. Most of these people didn’t even know they were outstretching their hand, that their grace and kindness and honesty were helping me transform my way of thinking.

But you know what, I don’t deserve to feel guilty! My reaction was mine alone. It was honest, it was raw. It wasn’t a lack of love, or want for these sweet babies. It wasn’t ungratefulness. It wasn’t a lack of trust in God’s plan for my life.

I’ll tell you what it was. It was fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear that my body would fail me, that I wouldn’t be strong enough to carry these blessings and bring them earth-side. Fear that I wouldn’t have the patience, the capacity, the strength to give them everything they would need. Fear of childbirth with twins. Fear of how we would make life work with my job and being on the road so often. FEAR.

I’m stronger than the fear though! And so are you! God did not give you your babies for you to fail them. He knows your strong enough. He also knows your human, with feelings and shortcomings and emotions. But he chose you. He chose you to be their mama. He chose you to be a SAHM. He chose you to be a working mama. He chose you to foster. He chose you to adopt. He chose you to have no desire for children right now, or ever. He chose you to fight the long battle of “not this time, not yet.” The point is, HE CHOSE YOU. You are strong enough. You are deserving. You are worthy. You are good enough.

I’m no longer ashamed. I’m no longer embarrassed. I no longer feel guilty.

Today, I still get the same comments, the same questions. But now, my responses are so much different. First, I laugh, And then I share my story. Because it’s real and it’s honest. And I know I’m not the only one who has felt mom-guilt. And I LOVE my chickens. They are the reason God put me on this earth; I believe this with my whole heart. Being a mama is the greatest blessing, hands down. And my raw reaction when I found out I was having twins doesn’t take away from any of that.

With love, Amanda

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