I’m sorry I was a complete jerk today. Being your mom is the greatest blessing I’ve ever been given. And I love you more than I can even express. But today I was a jerk.
One of Those Days
Today was “one of those days.” It started out as such. At 4:52 am, I jarred awake when a little girl pulled my covers off, yelling, “Mommy get up! You get up now!” She wanted her milk and it didn’t matter that I was asleep or that it was 4:52 am.
Kayden had, at some point during the night, snuck into our bed. But his sister’s screaming demands woke him up too. “Me want milk and muffins,” he whispered.
So I staggered out of bed, and began to head to the kitchen. P immediately threw herself onto the floor in a puddle of rage and frustration and tears. “No, you hold me!” Apparently, I was supposed to pick her up.
Kayden was now bouncing up and down on the bed, arms flapping for me to pick him up too. “You hold me both,” he whined. So I scooped the puddle of toddler off the floor and hiked Kayden onto my hip, and we headed for the kitchen to make some milk.
meltdown city
Now, I would like to be able to say that this was the only meltdown of the day. But that would be a lie.
There were meltdowns over who got to shake up the toddler formula and who got to pour the formula into the sippy cup. Meltdowns over which coffee cup to eat muffins out of and who was going to get to sit on Mommy’s lap. There were meltdowns over changing diapers and over what to watch on Netflix.
Finally, we all agreed on Peter Rabbit. It was the first thing we all agreed on this morning. But as Peter Rabbit started playing, P decided she did not want to watch Peter Rabbit. She slid off the couch and began kicking and screaming on the floor.
This is when I lost the last bit of patience that I was desperately holding onto. I yanked her off the floor, spanked her butt, sat her back on the couch and yelled at her that she wasn’t going to act like that. I told her she was going to sit on the couch and watch Peter Rabbit and not utter another word.
It was 5:38 a.m. It took me exactly 46 minutes to completely lose my shit from the time we woke up. 46 minutes for me to act like a complete jerk already today.
There were tears and hyperventilating sobs and sympathy tears from Kayden. But we finally settled on the couch with Peter Rabbit and a whole lot of mom guilt.
The longest mom day yet
The rest of the day, well, it didn’t get any better. P&K both endured more spankings than probably ever before. Tears were shed, but their attitudes remained unchanged.
There were screaming matches, toddler biting episodes, more meltdowns, and a battle of wills over nap time.
I was mentally exhausted by the time they were both down for their naps, but there was too much to do for mama to nap too. The house looked as if a bomb detonated from P&K running wild all afternoon. Laundry was piling up on the couch, and sippy cups needing washed filled the sink. Not to mention, we were supposed to go over to my Mom’s house for dinner after nap time.
and then the dragons awakened
Before I had a chance to fold the laundry and was the sippy cups, I heard rustling coming from their bedroom. Peyton emerged in the hallway, clinging to her blanket. Kayden wasn’t far behind with his elephant.
P&K didn’t take near a long enough nap to change their attitudes and take the crazy down a level. I gathered clothes for them to change into so we could go to Mimi’s. P protested over what clothes to wear, which ended in yet another meltdown when I wouldn’t let her wear shorts. Before we were ready, there had been more than my fair share of kicking, hitting and screaming that went down.
I was angry. Completely over it. I yelled and threatened them with staying home, and I told them I didn’t care what they wanted, they were going to do as I said. When they melted into toddler puddles on the floor, I refused to pick them up. I told them to get up and stop acting like a baby and walked away as they screamed, “Mommy, no leave me!” When Thomas walked in the door, I yelled at him too and told him that “his kids” were being terrible today. When really, I’d been terrible too. I’d lost it. Completely lost it.
As Thomas tried to figure out what was going on, I walked out the back door, yelling that I would be back, and there better be attitude adjustments or we weren’t going to Mimi’s. I got in my car, backed out of the garage and headed for town. I needed to get a couple of things from the store before we left, and I sure wasn’t going to take the dragons with me.
Time to Reflect
As I drove, the tension melted and, more than anything, I was ashamed of how I had reacted. I had been a complete jerk today. Yes, P&K were being little toddler jerks too. But that’s just the thing. They’re toddlers. They’re 2 years old. They don’t possess the cognitive maturity to manage their emotions. But I do. I’m an adult. And I was a jerk today.
It would have been easy for me to justify my own behavior. I could have rationalized that they were being jerks, and they pushed me over the edge, making me react the way I had. But that wasn’t the truth. That would have been just an excuse.
Little people, big emotions
This quote, or some version of it, kept replaying in my head. And with it, came waves of mom guilt. Being a Mom is hard. I mean, really hard. And sometimes, it brings out the worst side of us. Today, for me, it was the mentally exhausted, tired, patience depleted, yelling mama that came out.
This isn’t the kind of mom I want to be or the mom I want my kids to remember. I want to be their safe place, their home base. I want to be a place of unconditional love, and rules and boundaries, and consequences when those rules are broken. And when they push those boundaries, and are ready to fall back, I want to be that place where they can safely fall. I want them to know that they will always be loved, no matter what. If they’ve messed up, I don’t want them to think that Mama will get mad and yell and scream at them.
I want to be the one to help teach them how to manage their big emotions. To do that, I need to lead by example. I need to show them how to do that. But I also want to show them that when you mess up, you need to apologize. I needed to forgive them as much as I needed them to forgive me for the way the day had gone.
A new attitude
I finished my errands and returned home to pick up P&K. Daddy had, like always, changed the course of their moods, just by being Daddy. There were smiles on their faces, shoes on their feet, and they were ready to go to Mimi’s.
I was still worked up. I’ve never been one to get over emotions quickly, and this was no different. I was looking forward to going to Mimi’s, sitting on the couch, and letting P&K play with Mimi and Papa while Mama got a break.
That’s not how it went down though.
As soon as we got there, P&K were stuck to my side like glue. They’d had a rough day too. I needed to remind myself of that. And they didn’t really want to jump in and play. No, they wanted to stay in their safe place. They wanted to stay with Mommy.
Kayden cuddled up on my lap, and I buried my face in his hair. I never wanted to forget how this moment felt, the way his tiny toddler body fit perfectly in my lap, the way his hair smelled and the way he just needed his Mommy. And I cried.
I cried because I was humbled and so grateful for these two perfect little dragons. The weight of the guilt was heavy on my shoulders, and I was ashamed. I was a jerk today.
I prayed. As I closed my eyes and soaked in the moment, I prayed for forgiveness, and grace, and patience, and guidance during the next hard day.
I was overwhelmed by big emotions.
Lessons on grace
Another quote came to mind that I had seen floating around on Facebook or Instagram recently.
I would have never thought that my twins would teach me more about grace in one evening than life had taught me in 32 years.
In that moment, I made a promise to myself and to Peyton and Kayden. I would always strive to extend grace, even in the hardest moments, and I would offer forgiveness as easily as Peyton and Kayden forgave me tonight. I would love with the heart of a toddler.
And even though they didn’t need an apology to forgive, they deserve one. P&K, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being a complete jerk today. And I want to thank you for your forgiveness and for your unwavering love. I want to thank you for seeing the best in Mommy. And I hope that you know that you are the two most important things to me in this life. I don’t deserve the blessing of being your Mommy, but I’m forever grateful that God blessed me with you both anyway. I love you to the moon and back.
With love, Amanda
You may also like:
33 Life Lessons I’ve Learned Before Turning 33
Mornings
Babies, I Need You More Than You Need Me
Jenny says
We have all been there. After 12 and 14 years later, I still remember those days that I lost it, there were many of them. It definitely gets better, but those early years are trying. Take a deep breath and focus on those sweet moments and the miracle that you have created.
Amanda says
Thank you! Knowing I’m not alone in my craziness definitely helps! 💗
Amber says
This too shall pass. I remember having my own mommy meltdowns and thinking “oh no is this the memory they’ll be discussing with their therapist?” Mom guilt is so real and instead of teaching us about it in school they focused on algebra. Now look at us swimming in guilt and thinking we’re alone. You’re not alone! My kids are 11 and 12 now and I homeschool, I would’ve thought that was crazy if you had told me that 5 years ago. Hang in there mama!
Amanda says
Thank you! 💗 Algebra and taking care of that crying baby doll in child development definitely set us up for success in life!
Maryanne says
I would love to have many children one day, I love kids. I pray that you always get the patience and strength that you need to be that great mother to them. Hug them for me.
Danielle says
Thank you for being so honest. I’ve definitely had days like this and it really helps to know I’m not alone. I guess all we can do is draw a line under it and strive to be better the next day x
Rachel says
The fact that you’re reflecting on this and striving to be an intentional parent shows that you’re a great mom 🙂 I”m not a mom quite yet, but I remember experiencing these emotions while teaching. Some days we just have our own stuff we’re trying to deal with, and the needs of our kiddos can overwhelm us! Nobody’s perfect, and they know that too. And as long as we’re always reflecting, apologizing when we’re wrong, and striving to be better, we’re on the right track. Love this and love your honesty, girl!
Jen Towkaniuk says
Oh my goodness how this brings memories back to me! My daughter is 19 now, but I remember the days where I would lose my shit and then feel guilty thinking I scarred her for life. It happens to the best of us, and they turn out great. Thanks for sharing and reminding us that we aren’t perfect, but we can start every day aiming to do better.
Brooke Selb says
I have to constantly remind myself how old my kids are when I am feeling frustrated. Lots of deep breathing, reminders, praying, and often just going outside can be a huge reset. You’ve got this.